Saturday, July 23, 2011
I tell myself that tomorrow I am going to start exercising, but "tomorrow" never comes for me. I have no motivation. I bought Zumba for Wii, have I used it once, no. I paid for Weight Watchers for 1 a year, lost 40 lbs, then proceeded to gain it all back. I eat fast food, skip meals, & basically abuse my poor body. When is it all going to click for me? There are days I am very motivated. Cleaning, doing laundry, & playing with the kids comes easily. The next day I can barely drag myself out of bed. Peaks & valleys. Ups & downs.
I have talked to my doctor, am on meds for depression, but I'm not sure that the problem is indeed depression. I have never been what you would call a happy go lucky kind of person, but lately I feel a bit like Eeyore. I avoid social situations, even dread them, unless you include Twitter. I haven't been out of the house in 3 days. I am ready to snap, but I'm not sad. My life isn't unhappy. So why do I feel this way?
It's hard to even admit all of this. I feel like I have been writing one big run on sentence. I, I, I. Me, me, me. I just want to talk to someone who understands me. I have considered, as suggested by my doctor, seeing a therapist, but every fiber of my being resists this. "Buck up buckaroo", or "snap out of it" I keep telling myself. "You can handle this on your own." Usually I deal with problems that arise quickly & move on to the next, but this just keeps popping back up.
It was a bad day for me today. My kiddos were a challenge, & I didn't accomplish anything I wanted to. It's days like this when I tend to really dwell on my state of mind. I hope some of this made sense. This was a venting post, & I feel a bit better...... for now. Rant over, demons excised, issue far from resolved.