About Me

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Northern Indiana, United States
I am, among many other things, wife to Gil Jr., mom to Samuel-9 and Evelyn-6. Homeschooler. Also an avid reader, music enthusiast, and wanna be green thumb.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Peaks and Valleys

Something has got to give.  I need to make some changes.  Actually, I need to make MANY changes.  I need to lose weight, I need to exercise, & I need to eat right.  I need to clean my bathrooms, do laundry, water my plants, go to the grocery, & play with my kiddos.  I feel like my to-do list is so long, that I may never catch up.  I know everyone has things to do on a daily basis, but lately I feel like I am overwhelmed by it all.  I can't sleep at night, I am all out of sync, & I am SO over it. 
I tell myself that tomorrow I am going to start exercising, but "tomorrow" never comes for me.  I have no motivation.  I bought Zumba for Wii, have I used it once, no.  I paid for Weight Watchers for 1 a year, lost 40 lbs, then proceeded to gain it all back.  I eat fast food, skip meals, & basically abuse my poor body.  When is it all going to click for me?  There are days I am very motivated.  Cleaning, doing laundry, & playing with the kids comes easily.  The next day I can barely drag myself out of bed.  Peaks & valleys.  Ups & downs.   
I have talked to my doctor, am on meds for depression, but I'm not sure that the problem is indeed depression.  I have never been what you would call a happy go lucky kind of person, but lately I feel a bit like Eeyore.  I avoid social situations, even dread them, unless you include Twitter.  I haven't been out of the house in 3 days.  I am ready to snap, but I'm not sad.  My life isn't unhappy.  So why do I feel this way?
It's hard to even admit all of this.  I feel like I have been writing one big run on sentence.  I, I, I.  Me, me, me.  I just want to talk to someone who understands me.  I have considered, as suggested by my doctor, seeing a therapist, but every fiber of my being resists this.  "Buck up buckaroo", or "snap out of it" I keep telling myself. "You can handle this on your own."  Usually I deal with problems that arise quickly & move on to the next, but this just keeps popping back up. 
It was a bad day for me today.  My kiddos were a challenge, & I didn't accomplish anything I wanted to.  It's days like this when I tend to really dwell on my state of mind.  I hope some of this made sense.  This was a venting post, & I feel a bit better...... for now.  Rant over, demons excised, issue far from resolved.