About Me

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Northern Indiana, United States
I am, among many other things, wife to Gil Jr., mom to Samuel-9 and Evelyn-6. Homeschooler. Also an avid reader, music enthusiast, and wanna be green thumb.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Peaks and Valleys

Something has got to give.  I need to make some changes.  Actually, I need to make MANY changes.  I need to lose weight, I need to exercise, & I need to eat right.  I need to clean my bathrooms, do laundry, water my plants, go to the grocery, & play with my kiddos.  I feel like my to-do list is so long, that I may never catch up.  I know everyone has things to do on a daily basis, but lately I feel like I am overwhelmed by it all.  I can't sleep at night, I am all out of sync, & I am SO over it. 
I tell myself that tomorrow I am going to start exercising, but "tomorrow" never comes for me.  I have no motivation.  I bought Zumba for Wii, have I used it once, no.  I paid for Weight Watchers for 1 a year, lost 40 lbs, then proceeded to gain it all back.  I eat fast food, skip meals, & basically abuse my poor body.  When is it all going to click for me?  There are days I am very motivated.  Cleaning, doing laundry, & playing with the kids comes easily.  The next day I can barely drag myself out of bed.  Peaks & valleys.  Ups & downs.   
I have talked to my doctor, am on meds for depression, but I'm not sure that the problem is indeed depression.  I have never been what you would call a happy go lucky kind of person, but lately I feel a bit like Eeyore.  I avoid social situations, even dread them, unless you include Twitter.  I haven't been out of the house in 3 days.  I am ready to snap, but I'm not sad.  My life isn't unhappy.  So why do I feel this way?
It's hard to even admit all of this.  I feel like I have been writing one big run on sentence.  I, I, I.  Me, me, me.  I just want to talk to someone who understands me.  I have considered, as suggested by my doctor, seeing a therapist, but every fiber of my being resists this.  "Buck up buckaroo", or "snap out of it" I keep telling myself. "You can handle this on your own."  Usually I deal with problems that arise quickly & move on to the next, but this just keeps popping back up. 
It was a bad day for me today.  My kiddos were a challenge, & I didn't accomplish anything I wanted to.  It's days like this when I tend to really dwell on my state of mind.  I hope some of this made sense.  This was a venting post, & I feel a bit better...... for now.  Rant over, demons excised, issue far from resolved.


elizabeth said...

Depression is a bad name for it - depression isn't really the illness but a symptom of it - the illness is physical, it is chemical. The medication doesn't "fix" it, it begins to - it balances those chemicals and makes the peaks and troughs less extreme so you can deal with them day to day. It isn't an overnight solution but it enables you to find life easier whilst you work the rest out.
The days where you least want to get up are the days you most need to - get out of bed, wear something you feel good it, put on some make up and go outside. You don't have to go anywhere there are people - I can't because I can't always face the pressure of smiling and having to have a conversation - so I go to the park and walk right to the middle. I usually have the children, so toddler takes a ball and has the entire park to run - from the middle it doesn't matter which way he runs because I can see him. Baby lies on a rug on the floor. I just sit. I might take a book but usually i just breathe air that isn't inside my flat and enjoy being outside and blowing some cobwebs off.
On those days that's enough. Screw the housework. Screw all that - you got outside. That little walk and bit of daylight really helps.
You aren't alone feeling like this and you are NOT a bad person or broken in any way - you can't control this or just "pull yourself together" because how you feel is being caused by an imbalance your tablets will help with so you can work on how it's made you feel.
Big hugs x

Jen said...

I love you. I think you are one of the funniest, funnest people I know. I miss you! First week of August ok? Me and you and our COMPLETELY FULL ALL THE TIME sweet teas :) XOXO

Kelley said...

I hear what you are saying! I know the feeling of being "on" and "with it" one day and not the next. I joined Weight Watchers in May, lost weight, but haven't counted points in a couple of months. If you do feel like there are big peaks and valleys, I would definitely think of seeing a therapist. Friends that have seen them always talk about how helpful it can be. These are professionals that are paid to help people who are feeling the way you are right now. It doesn't mean you have to see them forever. A few sessions may be all that you need to help you get back on track.

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